I jolted into an upright position, bed covers falling around me. My body was covered in sweat, and I was panting heavily, rapid breaths filling the room. I slowly dragged a tan, tattooed hand through my matted, black hair, and sighed, trying to calm my breath.
Always the same dream...
It had been haunting me for the past several months, now.
I slowly got up, shivering slightly at the cold. In the house I shared with my bandmates, I had the en suite, being the oldest, which came in handy for when I ran to the bathroom to splash water on my face to try and clear my head. Padding barefoot, wearing only a pair of hello kitty pyjama bottoms, to my bathroom, I turned on the lights, not even glancing at myself in the mirror before turning on the taps and letting the water fill my cupped hands, splashing it over my face.
"Just a dream, Ashley, just a dream."
My eyes flickered up to the mirror, and I almost screamed, managing to clamp a hand over my mouth before I woke up my bandmates. When I was sure that I wasn't going to scream the house down, I removed my hand, and stared.
Just like my dream...
Staring back at me...was me, as expected, but... My hand came up to touch my cheek, which, in my reflection, was coloured by rouge. Rosy red lips, hair curled and pinned back, mascara making my lashes long. My hand's reflection was covered by a lacy glove, and my tattoos were gone, as were my muscles. Instead, I was skinny, wearing a long, old-fashioned dress. I could almost feel the strain my waist being brought in by a corset, despite a quick glance downwards confirming that I was still just in hello kitty bottoms. But...in my reflection...I was beautiful...
A man appeared behind my reflection. He had chocolate brown eyes that made me melt and tan skin, long hair pulled back. He stood behind my beautiful reflection, arms entwining around his waist. They smiled at each other, and kissed.
I touched my lips. The sensation of a man's lips against mine made me shiver. I was supposed to be straight, and yet...
He never spoke, in my dreams, but I knew his name was Christian, and that I loved him.
I was soaked to the bone, ice cold ocean all around me. My dress was clinging to me, literally forming ice, as was my hair. I was on a small door, and Christian gripping my hand, in the water but holding onto the door, onto me, for dear life. "We're going to die..." I whispered, voice cracking. So cold...so, so cold. My lower back ached, from our lovemaking earlier. He spoke, weakly, reassuringly, but I never heard what he said, despite feeling comforted.
All around us, was wreakage and dying people. In the middle of the atlantic ocean, at night, rescue boats no-where in sight...
Slowly, the screams and cries for help stopped. The silence was much worse. Everyone was dead. I was so close to death myself, Christian's ice cold hand gripping mine. Suddenly, a voice, with a thick, irish accent, pierced the night. "Is anyone alive out there?!"
Struggling, I slowly rolled over. "C...t-t-there....b-boat...t-there-s-s... a b-b-oat...C-Chris...." I stuttered, breath coming out in short pants. But he didn't respond, head resting on his arms, skin faintly purple. He was dead... "N-No!" tears fell, freezing on my cheeks. But I had to survive, the rescue boat was already moving away. So,with trembling hands, I gripped Christian's large, ice cold one, and managed to prise it from my wrist.
I kissed it, leaning my forehead against the hand for a moment as I grieved. "I-I...I-ll n-never let g-go, C...n-never..." and with that, I slowly lowered my dead lover into the water.
Tears ran down my cheeks as I was drawn from my thoughts. I knew the dream had to be just that, a dream, but I'd gone for months with so much guilt for what dream-me had done.
I'd let him go.
I managed to get a couple of hour's sleep before it was time to hold auditions in our basement for a new drummer. Sandra, our old drummer, had just left to pursue a career with another band, which had left us devasted. But we understood, and kept in touch.
Coming downstairs later that day, hair straightened, makeup done, I sat down with my bandmates and waited for the auditions to begin.